If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
