The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
