So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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