I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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