your thong is hanging out like whoa
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
