I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
