dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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