so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize