I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
