Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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