I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
