Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
