im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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