Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
