You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
