I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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