I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
