Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
