Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
