how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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