i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
