My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
