he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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