moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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