I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
