I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
