My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
