Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
