What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Two words: nipple clamps
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