The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
