Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
