I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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