she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
