We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
