____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
