I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
