1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
