I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
