After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
