Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize