I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
