Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
