He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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