eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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