my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
