last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
