I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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