I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
