Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
