He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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