There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
