The maid of honor just puked.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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