I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
