Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
