Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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