I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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