look no pants
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
