he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
