I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
