All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hippo gnu deer
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize