the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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