its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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