I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
