No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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