Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
