I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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